FARTIQUETTE SYNOPSIS
FARTIQUETTE is a hysterical conversation between the reader and me; it draws readers in and makes them feel like they are talking to a friend. In this two-way dialog, readers will laugh at me, themselves and everyone they know and come away feeling good. (After all, the company of a friend is enjoyable and farts are a gas!)
The chapter on "Fart Facts" is totally accurate. (i.e. There is approximately 27 feet of intestine in an adult human being. (22 feet of small intestine and 5 feet of large.) And yet, chucked full of humor. (i.e. Remember, farting used to be just a guy thing, but no more! Girls eagerly are getting into the act. This is why guys who frequent nude bars should refrain from blowing up a dancer's poop shoot, as many are prone to do; some of them blow back!)
After discussing ways of naming farts after celebrities or friends, every reader will be trying to do it. (i.e. A "Howard Stern" fart could never be silent! It would be noisily annoying and smelly enough to get your attention. But also, fortunately for those nearby, totally tasteless!) Additionally, it is explained how farts can be used as a means of communication. (i.e. If a wife slices the cheese as she and her husband climb into bed, it is the same as saying: "I have a headache." It means: "Oscar" is not going spelunking {cave exploring} tonight!)
The "Fart Chart" explores the worst and best places to expel flatus. (i.e. WORST: In the front seat of a police car while you are trying to talk the nice officer out of giving you a ticket. BEST: In the front seat of a police car after the lousy cop has written you a ticket anyway! Make this a loud one!) In the "Are Farts Funny?" chapter, readers answer with a resounding YES! (i.e. Picture this: Rhett Butler turns and says: "Frankly, Scarlet, I just don't give a . . ." As he speaks, he raises one knee to waist level, clenches a fist in front of him, pulls it strongly towards his chest and rips ` one that blows the seat out of his britches and sends the cat scurrying for shelter! Then, HE is "Gone With The Wind." Funny enough for you?)
The Jokes Section:
12 years as the house comic in arguably the #1 burlesque club in Florida makes me supremely qualified to write the: "Jokes Out The Ass" section! There are one-liners and full-length narratives; some are great and some are so bad that they are good. All in all, marvelously entertaining!
The glossary is a riot! Here are a few examples: LABIA MAJORA: A woman's outer vaginal lips. (A great place for a man to keep his salt when doing shots of tequila in bed.) - LABIA MINORA: A woman's inner vaginal lips. (A great place for a man to keep his lemon when doing shots of tequila in bed.) - WICKER BOX: What Elmer Fudd would like to do to Madonna. - WHOOPI CUSHION: Ms. Goldburg's buns. (Built for comfort, not for speed. A great place to tuck the shells if you eat peanuts in bed.)
This book deserves a place of honor on the back of every commode in America, even thought it will never make the New York Times Best Seller List. (Or, will it?)
